Well, the verdict is in. Yesterday, I made my bi-annual appearance before the Judgment Seat: I got weighed. I hate scales. I consider it a gift that most of them are inaccessible. The only accessible one I know of happens to reside in the office of one of my favorite doctors. This I consider evidence that God has a twisted sense of humor. I get weighed every six months, hence the "bi-annual" reference. I've spent the last two weeks dreading the appointment. Dreading it, and looking up images of Venus of Willendorf on Google. There really is a goddess who is obese! I thought about buying a statue of her-- just a little one to put by my computer. Something to remind me that my body, which the scale has persuaded me will always be obese, is sacred. But I'm afraid when it arrives, it will turn out to be three feet, not three inches tall. I keep imagining the look on the faces of the CNAs and other staff members who enter my apartment every day when they see this nude statue of a woman with very large breasts and a rather prominent vagina. . . . Then there are the people who will wonder what on earth an ordained minister is doing with a statue of a goddess. . . . Oy.
I have had weight issues most of my life. When I was five, a doctor told my mother that the thinner I was the easier it would be for me to walk, and prescribed a strict weight management program . It included toast without jelly. Toast without jelly when you're five is just wrong! Some years ago, I went on a diet that consisted mostly of Lean Cuisine. I walked the length of a football field almost every day (Damn impressive, if I do say so myself!). I lost thirty pounds. I also spent that Thanksgiving on the toilet. My body couldn't handle the normal food, let alone the super rich stuff, we ate that day. Apparently that diet was a bad idea. Then I tried Weight Watchers on line. I kept track of food, I exercised, but the nice little line on my progress charting graph stayed flat. Weight Watchers wasn't set up for someone with a disability: Their profile page asked for my gender. It asked if I was pregnant or diabetic. It did not ask if I had significant mobility limitations. I got very few points for movements which took a huge amount of energy; no one in their "community" depended on a wheelchair.
I have learned two things from my struggle with weight:
1. We need a Weight Watchers for people with disabilities, or at least one that takes disabilities into account. We will not be able to create this unless and until we expand our definition of "normal" to include people who have disabilities.
2. It's not all about the results. Results do matter. Medically, those of us who are obese are more at risk for certain diseases. That doesn't mean we are bad people. It doesn't mean we deserve insensitive comments or to be made fun of. It is just a fact; one of many facts about our bodies. But it's not all about results. It is about choosing-- Choosing to recognize our body is sacred, and treating it accordingly. If I really believe my body is sacred, then I live that belief by filling it with good things and not filling it with harmful things; I exercise, regardless of the results. I make choices which demonstrate what I believe. I write this as a reminder to myself as much as to anyone. If I made perfect choices, I would not dread my appointment with the scale. But when the scale doesn't produce the results I'd hoped for, I need to remind myself it isn't all about the results.
As for yesterday's verdict, I weigh the same as I did six months ago. Stability is good. Now if I can just find a Venus who has scoliosis. . . .
This post brings up so many thoughts I hardly know where to start. I think a woman friend of mine in Louisville, Kentucky, has sometimes made little Venuses (Veni?) for herself and women in her women's group, I'm not sure. But I do know that air-drying clay costs only about $5 a package, and if you wanted to try making a goddess for yourself I could get a package of clay and we could each make one.
ReplyDeleteI've had weight issues most of my life. I was a huge baby (9 lbs. 11 oz.) so I tell myself it started before I really had any defense, but that's mostly a humorous excuse (well, at least a little humorous). My mother had weight issues, she struggled and struggled to lose weight and never lost any, so that by the time she was in her 70s she could still get into her Navy uniform from WWII.
I do want to say, though I suspect it will come out as another excuse, that the weight on the scale isn't the only thing to focus on, because there are times when I've dieted really well and my weight went up, but it may have just been fiber or extra water or whatever. So it's risky to pay too much attention to the number.
I was thin as a girl, was a tom-boy who climbed trees, and didn't start gaining weight til I hit puberty, basically because I was depressed about being a girl because in the community I grew up in it meant my options were so limited. I got thin during my 20s and stayed thin until I got pregnant at 34, and then gained 40 pounds during the pregnancy and only lost 23 of them afterward. Those 17 pounds have now been added to, so that I'm 30-40 pounds overweight depending on what you might consider my healthy weight to be. I've tried so many ways to lose weight that I've lost track. Jenny Craig didn't work, Weight Watchers didn't work. What I'm trying now is to establish a healthy lifestyle, rather than a diet per se. I became a vegan last summer, and if I were following Dr. Fuhrman's diet I would be losing weight, but it involves almost no bread or other starches, and I find that hard. At the moment I believe I'm in a losing trend, and would love to be thinner by the time my daughter is married this September, but it's unlikely because life is stressful and I still eat for emotional reasons.
I encourage you to consider contacting Weight Watchers about starting a group for people with disabilities. Or trying Googling "weight loss disabilities" to see if there's already something out there, sounds like an idea the world needs.
I don't trust myself to make a Venus. I took pottery classes for a couple of years and it didn't go well. I could make plates but not much else.
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